Banana Walnut Frozen “Yog-Cream” with Chocolate Cheesecake Swirl (Crappy)

Welcome to my first crappy food post.  This was adapted from Alton Brown’s Banana Ice Cream, which looked like a good way to use up frozen yellow light sabers…until I put in too many bananas and made too many bad substitutions.

“Is it a smoothie?”
– Mom

About 6-7 frozen bananas
1 tbsp lemon juice
2/3 c light corn syrup
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 c half-and-half
1/2 c nonfat vanilla Greek yogurt
2/3 c walnuts

For the cheesecake swirl:
3 tbsp cream cheese
3 tbsp sour cream
2 1/2 tbsp granulated sugar
3 tbsp cocoa powder

Make sure the core of your ice cream maker is in the freezer.  (This is the ice cream version of “preheat your oven to 350.”)  Take your bananas out of the freezer and let them thaw on the counter.

Once the bananas look good and disgusting, assemble your ingredients and take a photo.

Clockwise, from left: bananas, bad greek yogurt, lemon juice, half-and-half, blueberries, cheddar & jalapeno chips, chocolate chips, more bananas
bananas processing
Let’s look inside!

Dump those bananas in a food processor with the lemon juice and vanilla.  Pulse a few times, then open the lid and add in the corn syrup.  Spin some more, then open up and dump in the half-and-half and yogurt.  Don’t pour them in gradually like Alton Brown suggests because who has the time or patience for that crap.

**For the record: I didn’t see that the yogurt was non-fat!!

At this point, the food processor will start leaking because you put way too much in it.  Good job.

Pour the goop into a 1-quart Pyrex bowl – and since you just made ice cream, you’ve already learned that the machine can only take a quart of liquid!  So you’ll fill that Pyrex up to the 1-quart line.  Chill it in the fridge for 2 hours.

>> What to do with the rest of the mixture?  Make crappy cristally ice cream.  Just put the leftover puree into a tupperware, pop it in the freezer, and stir every hour until it freezes.

When you’re ready to churn, assemble your robot and gradually pour in the ice cream mixture.  Let it churn according to the manufacturer’s instructions, and while it’s working, toast the walnuts over medium/medium-high heat for 5 minutes (then set them aside).  Do not skip toasting or you will be ruining an already bad dessert.

mixing ice cream

cheesecake swirl
Cheesecake swirl mantra: you must try three different stirring implements before finding a spoon that sort-of works











Your ice cream should still be churning, so it’s time to assemble the cheesecake swirl.  Mix together the cream cheese, sour cream, sugar, and cocoa powder in a small bowl until very smooth.

Once the ice cream is ready, fold in all but 2-3 tbsp of the walnuts before you release it from cryofreeze.  Dump it into an oh-so-cute tupperware (look how nice it fits) and then schlop on globs of the cheesecake mixture all around the top.  Use a butter knife to swirl the globs so that it makes a pretty fudge swirl.  Decorate the top with the remaining walnuts, and put it in the freezer to harden for 3 hours or so.

finished banana ice cream
Ok, so I folded instead of swirled. I screwed it up even more. Do not follow my example.

Verdict: half-and-half plus nonfat yogurt do not an ice cream make.  They make creamy banana sorbet.  Not sure if the walnuts and cheesecake swirl offer any redemption.


Banana Walnut Frozen “Yog-Cream” with Chocolate Cheesecake Swirl (Crappy)