Liquid Salad (CRAP)

What to do when you have a toothache:

Go to the dentist.

What not to do when you have a toothache:

Put salad ingredients in the food processor and liquefy them, because you’ve been eating nothing but soft fruits and polenta since yesterday and you really really just want to eat at least something that contains vegetables today.

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This was not tasty like V8, and it was still not fit for consumption in my condition because chunks of crunchy carrot and leathery tomato skins were still floating in there unprocessed.  Homemade vegetable juice sans juicer was a fail all around.

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Maybe call it “salad gazpacho” instead?
Liquid Salad (CRAP)

Guest Baker: Curtis Makes Butter

This is Curtis.  He likes butter.  But this weekend, he found himself in a predicament: he wanted to butter his bread, but had no butter.

curtis
Curtis may have keys, but he is not a janitor.

Poor Curtis.  Luckily, he had heavy whipping cream and a stand mixer.  Just add salt and whip away!

Stage 1: whipped cream

Stage 2: curdled barf

Stage 3: friends who are doubting your word

Stage 4: BUTTER

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(Tip: throw the white liquid out)

Reviews
“It looks like butter”
– Mattias

“It tastes like butter”
– Amy

Guest Baker: Curtis Makes Butter

I Baked Real Whole-Wheat Bread

Real bread, with yeast!  Not beer bread (though that one is not bad…but it doesn’t really count as bread.)

Recipe here.  I didn’t add millet, because wtf is millet, but that was the only thing I changed.

Step 1: bring the yeast to life in warm water until they’re “foamy.”

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This didn’t look “foamy” at all, but I proceeded anyway.

Step 2: add the flours + salt and place in an oiled bowl to double in size.  (1 hour on the counter.)

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Step 3: knead a bit.

kneaded dough
What organ does this look the most like?

Step 4: leave to rise one more hour.

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My dough is shy and chose to hide in the oven

Step 5: squish the sides in a bit, because you left it to rise way longer than an hour and it’s absurdly broad and flat.  Score the top.

risen dough
What protozoic organism does this look the most like?

Step 6: bake 30 minutes at “just below medium-high.”

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The fruits of my loafbor

And then you may eat.

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What I learned from baking real bread

There is a reason that the instructions are always to “cool on a wire rack.”  I let it cool on the baking sheet, and the bottom of my loaf is now mushy and has these light-colored wet bumps that look like blisters or some kind of infection.  Will not be showing the underside to anyone.

The wire cooling rack is your friend.

I Baked Real Whole-Wheat Bread

The Semolina Adventure

About six months ago, I came across this recipe.

Creamy Semolina with Roasted Mushrooms (click here for link)

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I knew semolina was a wheat flour used to make pasta, but beyond that, I knew nothing else about it.  So I decided that if I were ever to encounter semolina in a grocery store, I would give it a try.

Well!  At Carrefour today, I finally came across a bag of this mystical creamy treat.  How thrilling.  I decided I couldn’t wait on mushrooms and chicken to make the rest of Food & Wine’s dish, so I scaled the cooking instructions down to a single serving just so that I could try it.

semolina
Here it is, strategically smooshed between the chipa mix and bread flour

I threw in some cheese, and served it with some sliced avocado and cherry tomatoes on the side.  (No picture of that.)

semolina cooking
I ❤ trying new starches!!!

The dish tasted oddly…familiar.  The texture and color were really familiar too.  It almost reminded me of something I used to eat as a kid.

Could this be…

No.

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I must learn the truth.  Wikipedia?  Please tell me what’s in “farina?

Well.  That settles it.  I made farina.

Whoops.  At least I now have something new to eat for breakfast.

The Semolina Adventure

Burned Reubens

Happy Father’s Day!  Here’s a sandwich dad’s sure to love.

burned reuben
It’s Cajun?

Ingredients
Rye bread
Corned beef
Sauerkraut
Swiss cheese
Thousand Island dressing
Butter

Put a frying pan on medium heat.  Assemble sandwiches thusly:

  1. Side A: first cheese, then beef, then sauerkraut
  2. Side B: thousand island

Drop side B on top of side A.  Melt a dollop of butter in the now-hot pan, and then place your sandwich.  It is advisable not to do this on medium-high, or yours will end up looking like mine.  (You will probably also get better results by cooking them one at a time – more even heat distribution = less burn potential.)

Cook for a couple minutes on each side or until they look tasty.

Burned Reubens

Veggie Burgers (Gluten-Free!)

The gluten-free thing was not 100% intentional but I figured it was going to be one of my only chances to jump on the bandwagon.

Reviews
“This looks like ejjeh
– Mom

“That was delicious.  Don’t ever make it again.”
– Dad

Ingredientschop veggies yes sir
2 tbsp olive oil (plus more for frying the patties)
1/2 c finely chopped yellow and red bell pepper
1/2 c finely chopped red onion
3 tbsp grated carrot
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons finely chopped kalamata olives
4 small portobella mushrooms, washed and chopped
pinch of salt and black pepper to taste
2 glasses white wine
1 15oz can chickpeas
about 15 oz refried black beans
3 heaping tablespoons of a mix of the following spices in equal proportions:

  • cumin
  • red pepper flakes
  • oregano
  • chili powder
  • paprika
  • curry powder

1/2 c rolled oats
1/2 c cooked leftover rice
2 eggs
1/4 c tahini (sesame paste)

Let’s do this.

Chop your veggies, put a large pan on medium heat (medium-low if your pan is thin) and put the olive oil in.  Then add all your chopped vegetation along with the salt and pepper.  Let them saute until everthing is soft and the onions are translucent.  Maybe 10 minutes.

sautee your veggies

If you remember, you can add a few tablespoons of white wine to the pan.  If not, drown your sorrows in a glass of wine.

Once the veggies are done, take them off the heat and add in the chickpeas (drained and rinsed, please), refried beans, spice mixture, oats, and rice.  Mix.  Finally, beat the two eggs in a small bowl and dump them in on top of everything.  Mix again.

add the gross egg

tahini - huge
64 oz of sticky Arab goop

Now would be a good time to remember that you wanted to add tahini, so bust out your industrial-sized jar and mix in 1/4 cup of it.

Now you’re ready to cook.  Put a large lidded frying pan on medium heat and add some olive oil.  Dump in some big heaps of your mix to create some rough patty shapes.  You don’t have to make them this absurdly large, though.

 

 

cooking the veggie burger patties

Let them cook with the lid on for 5-6 minutes on each side, or until the insides don’t look wet anymore.

I served them with a spinach/tomato salad and mashed potatoes, plus an assortment of cheeses because I was too lazy to grate some for the potatoes so I thought that if I made a “choose your own cheese bar” maybe my family wouldn’t notice.

serving veggie burger to dad
Look how thrilled dad is to eat this

salad and cheese

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adapted from this Veggie Patties recipe by the most annoying person on Food Network.

Veggie Burgers (Gluten-Free!)