Oreo Rice (CRAP)

I’m sorry, Mom.  My Oreo rice wasn’t good.  I guess I wasn’t the right person to carry out your dream.

I let you down.

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Recipe: http://www.buzzfeed.com/melissaharrison/how-to-make-oreo-rice

Oreo rice photo journal

Step 1. Gathering the ingredients.

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Oh, yeah – I substituted soy milk for milk.  That might have had something to do with it.

Step 2. Butter in a pan…waiting for some rice grains which it can lovingly coat.

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Step 3. Rice + soy milk in the pot.

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Forgot to stir the rice in the butter, which made for some nice sticking later.

Step 4. Once boiling again, added the Oreos.

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This photo is upside-down but I am too lazy to fix it

Step 5. After letting it cook covered for 15 minutes.  Didn’t add enough soy milk from the start, so I had to supplement with more and leave it to cook for a while longer.

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Ever had your house smell like rice and Oreos at the same time?  I have.

Step 6. Eating my disappointment.

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I topped mine with dulce de leche.  The white stuff was more soy milk that I poured on top in an attempt to make it creamier.  (It was unsuccessful.)

 

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Oreo Rice (CRAP)

Liquid Salad (CRAP)

What to do when you have a toothache:

Go to the dentist.

What not to do when you have a toothache:

Put salad ingredients in the food processor and liquefy them, because you’ve been eating nothing but soft fruits and polenta since yesterday and you really really just want to eat at least something that contains vegetables today.

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This was not tasty like V8, and it was still not fit for consumption in my condition because chunks of crunchy carrot and leathery tomato skins were still floating in there unprocessed.  Homemade vegetable juice sans juicer was a fail all around.

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Maybe call it “salad gazpacho” instead?
Liquid Salad (CRAP)

Banana Ice Cream with No Cream (CRAP)

I’ve done this many times, but it turns out a lot better when you have peanut butter.

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Two bananas + four strawberries.

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+ Yogurt + honey + brown sugar + vanilla + salt.  Let it run to combine and it’ll form a really ultra thick fruit smoothie.

Then add three heaping tablespoons of cocoa and pulse again.

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Passport + nail polish made it into this splendid shot

The healthy-but-lame alternative to ice cream.  I promise that it’s actually very tasty when you do it with peanut butter instead of yogurt.

Banana Ice Cream with No Cream (CRAP)

Chocolate Blueberry Cheesecake (Crappy)

competitors
The winner: apple-blueberry crumble with ice cream (lower right)

Third chocolate dish in a row.  This was for a baking competition at work, which was held in honor of someone’s birthday.  The requirements:
a) “Jared doesn’t like dulce de leche”
b) “Jared likes blueberries”

I am not fond of blueberry desserts, and dulce de leche is my secret weapon for making any dessert more awesome.  So I’m justifying my defeat by suggesting that this was a battle I just wasn’t meant to win.

It could also be karma.  I may have tried to “cheat” a bit by giving Jared of survey of my potential dessert ideas.  It looked like this:

Chocolate – yes or no?  (yes)
Cheesecake – yes or no?  (yes)
Coffee cake – yes or no?  (yes)
Cinnamon – yes or no?  (“meh”)
Lemon – yes or no?  (“meh”)
Danish – yes or no?  (“meh”)
Favorite Argentine supermarket cookie?  Toddy.

So thus my idea for a blueberry-lemon cheesecake danish went out the window and was replaced with a repulsively disgusting terrible idea: mix all the positive responses together in one dessert!  AND…to avoid the risk of overcooking the cheesecake, let’s make it no-bake!

blueberry cheesecake
Barfberry cheesecake

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!

I did it anyway.  What was I thinking.

Reviews
“What’s in the crust?”
– Archer from client management

“What’s in the marquise?”
– Kortney from HR

“What’s in the blueberry sauce?”
– Helen from sales

(**I think I got a lot of questions about what was in this because no one could figure out what the hell kind of weird creation they were eating)

The Horrifying Recipe

It’s this famous cheesecake recipe, with the following additions/substitutions:

Crust
Replace graham cracker crumbs with crushed Toddy cookies and graham-cracker-esque cookies

Filling
Add ~2/3 cup sifted cocoa powder plus 150g (like 1/2 cup?) of cooled chocolate ganache.  The result will be a filling that tastes like cocoa powder and not much else.

Blueberry Topping
Cook a pint of blueberries in a saucepan until they’re soft, then add about 1/4 cup of sugar and several tablespoons of lemon juice plus a pinch of lemon zest.  Then taste it and pucker because you added way too much lemon juice.  So balance out the lemon with some frozen emergency berries from the freezer (lucky save) and extra sugar.  It will taste weird but passable.

wrapped-up cheesecake
We’re all wrapped up and ready to travel!

Lesson learned: a recipe that works because of it’s simplicity will cease to impress if you try to make it more complicated.

Chocolate Blueberry Cheesecake (Crappy)

Meringue Made of Drained Chickpea Water – You Wish I Was Kidding (Crappy)

Sounds so absurd that you must believe me, because who would make this up.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2015/06/10/aquafaba_baking_with_chickpea_liquid_for_vegan_meringues.html

The inventor of this dish: “Oh, what to do with this smelly water from my beans…I’ll put it in a mixer and see.”

Word has gotten around the internet that if you whip the liquid from a can of chickpeas the way you whip egg whites, it’ll turn into meringue.  I had some garbanzo liquid to spare, so I decided I would give it a try.

The recipe I followed called for 3/4 cup of bean juice (a.k.a. “aquafaba” – who named it that) and 1 heaping cup of granulated sugar.  I put the beany water in a bowl and started whipping with my hand mixer.  Never mind that all the tutorials I found called for a stand mixer.

Minute 1: well, it is certainly foaming up the way egg whites do.

Minute 4: it is really starting to smell like chickpea juice.  Not sure I should be turning this into dessert, but whatever.  I’ll keep going.

Minute 7: I don’t think this hand mixer was meant to run on high for this long.  It’s starting to smell like my old hair dryer did before it died.

Minute 10: we’re at medium peaks, and I’m expecting the mixer to give out any minute.

Minute 12: still medium peaks.

Minute 14: still medium peaks.

Minute 15: I give up.  Let’s add the sugar and call it a day.

chickpea meringue 1
Here are my medium bean peaks with sugar dumped in.  And some decorative cans of beans.

Here is my concoction after trying to incorporate the sugar.

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Goodbye, medium peaks.

I now have foamy bean sugar soup.

It went down the drain…I hope my drain can handle it.

Verdict: do not try this unless you have a stand mixer.  And unless you’re vegan and can’t eat egg whites, maybe just don’t try it at all.

Meringue Made of Drained Chickpea Water – You Wish I Was Kidding (Crappy)

How Not to Make Caramel Sauce (Crappy)

Today’s experiment began when I watched a show on El Gourmet, a.k.a. the Agentine Food Network, where the chef dumped nothing but brown sugar into a pan and made the easiest caramel sauce ever.  It bubbled into a molten sugar soup, and after adding a generous pat of butter, the sauce became smooth and shiny and ready to coat her popcorn.

Now wouldn’t that be nice to top my leftover banana bread?  NO.

melted caramel sauce

Ingredients
Muscovado sugar
Butter
Salt
Cream cheese

Virginia Sar
“I made it look so easy, didn’t I?”

Start with a non-stick pan over medium-low heat.  Put a few spoonfuls of sugar in it and leave it alone for a few minutes, just like Virginia Sar did.

Ok, I actually have no idea how long she left it on the heat, and I don’t know if I was supposed to leave the room while it was heating.  I’m guessing I was not because when I came back, it was burned and my apartment was starting to smell horrible.

The pan was so hot that the sugar-lava continued to melt and burn while I was trying to evacuate it.  Since I had to boil water in the pan to clear it out, I was treated to the fragrant aroma of burned cane sugar all over again.

pan
The pan lives to fry another day

No more stove.

my microwave
True story: found a cockroach in here a few months ago
Finlandia cream cheese
It’s not Philadelphia – it’s “Finlandia!”

For my second attempt, I put some sugar in a baby coffee cup, saran-wrapped it shut, and nuked it on medium until it was bubbly and just about to reach up and incorporate itself with the plastic wrap.

Put a small pat of butter in there with the melted sugar, let the butter dissolve, and mix it up.  Add salt.  This stuff will harden, but for a spreadable sauce, add some cream cheese.

It came out okay, but this sugar has a weird aftertaste, so I probably won’t make it again.  It might be better with brown sugar.

caramel spread on bread
Like my plates?  So that you always know what to put on them.
How Not to Make Caramel Sauce (Crappy)

Cookie dough you could eat a bowl of, but won’t want to (Crappy)

Interested in trying the world’s worst cookie dough?  Made with chickpeas instead of white flour and butter.  I subbed cannelini beans and was somehow surprised and disappointed when the “dough” tasted like bean dip.

I do not know what made me think this would turn out well.

cookie dough in food processor
Looks good, doesn’t it? Looks can be deceiving.

Reviews
None because I would not serve this to a human

Ingredients
1 can chickpeas, drained & rinsed (do not sub white beans; it will only prolong your pain)
two hefty pinches salt
3 tbsp rolled oats
2 tsp vanilla
3 tbsp peanut butter
assorted sugars…brown sugar, honey, and maple syrup
much chocolate chips

Put everything but the chocolate chips in a food processor until it’s smooth.  Taste and keep adding sugar until it’s sort-of edible.

food-processor
Why are all my food labels in Spanish?

Stir in the chocolate chips by hand, lest the only good part of your cookie dough dip be chopped to little tiny bits.

Eat some Milano cookies and S’mores Pop Tarts alongside the dip so that you can feel like you at least ate something that was good.  Don’t actually dip them in the dip, though, because that would ruin them.

milanos'mores pop tarts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fun fact: “Milano” means “1,000 anuses” in Spanish.

UPDATE 6.26: Click here to see what happens next with this delectable delight!

Cookie dough you could eat a bowl of, but won’t want to (Crappy)